Son of Voldie-mort aka Adventures in ChallengeFics
by Father Maxwell
Summary: My first challenge fic (and first submitted Harry Potter fic), in response to a challenge I saw in a story by Hermione19. Challenge originally from METMA Mandy. PG13 for language, births,and drunken strip parties. R/R!


I always wanted to do a challenge fic, and I saw this challenge at the beginning of a story by Hermione19. I liked it (the challenge, that is) This opening is boring because I am saving all my hyperness for the story (hee hee)  
  
The requirements for the challenge were:  
  
-Voldemort must be pregnant.  
  
-The father of Voldemort's baby must be of the human species.  
  
-Ron cannot be gay.  
  
-It must be funny.  
  
-Someone has to say: "Aw, look at the little punum..."  
  
-Someone has to say: "My foot itches". (Mandy's foot does itch, thats what prompted that..)  
  
-Straightjackets must be present  
  
-It has to be more than 2 pages long. But that shouldn't be too hard.  
  
-Someone has to say: "Ha Kof Sheli Be'Esh" (which is Hebrew for, of all things, "my monkey is on fire")  
  
Now that that's been said, onto the actual story...  
  
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"My foot itches," complained Sirius one day. He was in Remus' office, sitting on the large doghouse he had bought Remus for his birthday.  
  
"Well, scratch it then," replied Remus. He was sitting on his pink Chaise (sp? o well) lounge across the room, reading The Daily Prophet.  
  
"I can't!" Sirius moaned. "Honestly, Remus, could you PLEASE get this straightjacket off me now!  
  
Remus grinned. "Hell, no. Do you have any idea how funny it is to see you suffer?"  
  
Sirius sulked.  
  
Meanwhile, in the Gryffindor common room.............  
  
Harry and Ron were sitting on a couch made out of used straightjackets Fred and George had stolen from Azkaban, playing Go Fish.   
  
"Got any 4's?" asked Ron lazily.  
  
"Go fish," said Harry, just as lazily.  
  
Just then, Hermione burst through the portrait hole. "Ha Kof Sheli Be'Esh!" she screamed at Ron and Harry.  
  
Both- "HUH???"  
  
"Honestly, am I the only one here who's ever bothered to read Hogwarts, A History?" asked Hermione angrily, and she turned and stomped out of the portrait hole.  
  
Ron turned back to Harry. "Girls can be so WEIRD!" he grumbled, tossing a pair of 2's down onto the couch. "I don't know why we have to put up with them."  
  
Harry cocked an eyebrow. "Ron...er......there's something I've been meaning to ask you for a long time...."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Er...Ron? Are you gay?"  
  
"WHAT?" shouted Ron. " Of course not! What the hell are you talking about? I am NOT gay!"  
  
"Okay, okay, calm down, just clarifying," said Harry, still not convinced. They went back to their card game.   
  
Suddenly, Voldie-mort......er......You-Know-Who, aw who cares, burst through the window.  
  
"Mwah!" he shrieked, lunging at Harry. "Oooh, ow, oooh!" he then groaned, falling over.  
  
Harry and Ron leaped up. "D'ya think he's dead?" asked Harry.   
  
"Dunno," replied Ron, who then proceeded to walk over to Voldie-mort's convulsing body. He conjured a big stick and began to poke Voldie-mort with it.  
  
"Ow! That f'in hurts!" roared Voldie-mort.  
  
"What's the matter with you?" Harry asked. "Voldie-mort, are you on drugs?"  
  
"What? NO! I'm f'in PREGNANT, you little git! Can't you tell by the way I'm laying here on your common room floor, convulsing with pain?"  
  
"Er.....no," said Ron. "I've never seen a pregnant wom--er, person, act like that. Come to think of it, the only pregnant person I ever saw was my mum, but she had already had 6 of us so it was nothing to her. Say, who's the father, anyway?"  
  
Nobody seemed to notice that Voldie-mort was a pregnant man, not woman. And frankly, nobody seemed to care.  
  
"Well, it's uh, it's......OKAY I ADMIT IT! IT'S A MUGGLE!" He sobbed. "My baby's going to be a Mudblood! Oh, why, WHY did I ever go to that drunken strip frat party? Why did I accept that cup? Oh, why, Bob, why???" He kicked the floor angrily. Suddenly, Voldie-mort leaked. Well, that is, his water broke. (A/N that is so weird, saying HIS water broke o.O)  
  
"OH MY BOB!" yelled Harry. "Voldie-mort's having a baby!" He yelled this loud enough for the entire school to hear, and soon enough, they were all gathered in the common room. Well, except for Sirius. He was still hopping out of Lupin's office.   
  
"Damn straightjacket...Remus, I am SO going to kill you for this..." he muttered.   
  
Back in the common room.......  
  
"PUSH! PUSH! I SAID PUSH, DAMN YOU!" Professor McGonagall screamed at Voldie-mort. Madam Pomfrey was currently on holiday in Cancun, at the time of the birth, she was enjoying a drunken strip party, and McGonagall was the only one there who had experience with delivering babies.  
  
Voldie-mort screamed with pain. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" seems to be the word most closely related to the one that came out of his mouth.  
  
"SHUT UP!" roared McGonagall. "It's over! Here's your baby!" She shoved the screaming baby into Voldie-mort's arms and ran off to have a fag. (A/N that's British slang for "smoke a cigarette")  
  
"Aw, look at the little punum," said Ginny Weasly in a babyish voice.  
  
Everyone started at her.  
  
"What?" she asked, obviously not getting that "punum" was a word that didn't exist.  
  
"What are you going to name him?" asked Remus.  
  
"I sense.....that he is going to name him...... CHOPSTICK!" said Professor Trelawny.  
  
Everyone stared at her.  
  
"Er......no.......actually I was planning on naming him Voldie Jr," said Voldie-mort, with a very confused look on his face.   
  
And they all joined hands and sang "Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku."  
  
Oh, and Sirius was at this point hobbling through the dining hall, mumbling to himself. "Damn you, Remus, I'll get you for this, oh, you are SO going to regret putting me in this straightjacket!"  
  
End  
  
Disclaimer: Sirius and Remus do not belong to me. Although I desperately wish they did. Voldie-mort doesn't belong to me either. But Voldie Jr does! ::laughs maniacally:: Everyone belongs to J. K. Rowling, aka God. "Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku" is a great song and belongs to whoever wrote it. And the Bob mentioned belongs to me also. That's right, he's miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!! ::laughs evilly and dumps Mt. Dew all over everybody::  
  
This is my first challenge fic, so be gentle, okay? All flames will be put outside in a big barrel and will be used in a demonic ritual later tonight.  
  



End file.
